Fed Up! By busty mother of soon-to-be three!

I am in agony. 31 weeks ‘up the stick’ with twins and virtually about to burst. My stomach is as hard as a Blackpool peppermint flavoured rock stomach and it feels like the girls are the size of three year olds.

I am fed up.
I cannot eat the disgusting amount of cake that I desire due to the fact my stomach has been squeezed out of its normal habitat and is now the size of a fag packet.

I am fed up.
I need a good bottle of wine, and NO, a small glass once a week does not help. I get horrific heartburn and what is the point of a glass, when I need a bottle!

I am fed up.
I cannot take sleeping tablets to help me have at least 8 hours uninterrupted sleep to make me feel slightly normal. Instead I toss and turn like a rotisserie chicken and when I finally get some sleep it is time to get up and start the hellish life I lead once more (ok a bit dramatic, but I need SLEEP!)

I am fed up.
Fed up because none of my clothes fit, my belly hangs out beneath my t-shirt (large maternity I’ll have you know) like a fat, bandy labrador’s belly and my combats are so low all I need is a pair of twinkly eyes tattooed on to my belly and I’ll look like Tom Selleck from the waist down.

I am fed up.
Of hearing how ‘everyone loves being pregnant’ instead of me. Don’t get me wrong, I do love the end result, its just the 9 months of hell I go through before hand that pisses me off. And smug mothers do not help!!!

I am fed up.
Because I hate being fat. I honestly do not know how the bigger boned people among us do it? Luckily for me I am ‘normally’ pretty slim, with lots of energy (well, more than now anyhow!) and bending down to put my shoes on is a pleasure rather than an impossible feat, ‘scuse the pun! But now I can barely move, I can’t get comfortable at all, and I haven’t seen my fanny for months. How can you live with not seeing your fanny? I need to know its there, happy, friendly and most importantly looking neat. I dread to think what state the topiary is in, I’ll probably have to get the council in with wire cutters at this rate.

I am fed up.
Sex…..Or lack of it… again an impossible feat…say no more…